Ministers announce radical approach to social mobility

The Government revealed a breath-taking new approach last night to its long-cherished aim of increasing social mobility. Ten years after Tony Blair's ground-breaking Labour Conference speech promising that no child would ever want for anything, even a PS2 console, ever again, ministers took to the airwaves to announce that they had a low-cost (that's enough compound adjectives - Ed) solution to what has become an intractable problem.

Finally having the courage to tackle the underlying cause, they announced that disadvantaged children would be taken away from their inadequate, lardy-arsed parents and put in morally improving camps where maths, physics and economics would be drummed into them morning, noon and night. A source said child poverty would thus be ended at a stroke and refused to rule out the liberal use of clips round the ear for youths who persisted in hoodie-wearing. B-tech qualifications in media studies, psychology, child care and development and sewing have been deemed to have no social or economic value whatsoever.

In a further shock move, it was revealed that the camps will be located in independent schools - which were yesterday nationalised in an even more shocking move - and that all the children sent there would have automatic right to a double first from an Oxbridge college of their choice and the chance to train as a brain surgeon or a barrister.

To boost the impression of a quantum leap in social mobility, all pupils who had been at independent schools would in future be bussed to distant technical colleges, learning hair-dressing, building skills and basic auto-mechanics. One senior Cabinet source said such people could look forward to lives in shoddy housing with constant worry about their jobs. In token compensation, they would be allowed to apply for Northern Rock mortgages - at rates very advantageous to the public purse.

"We think we have the answer on social mobility," said Nigel Sincerity, minister at the Department of Lifechances, last night. "We simply abolish the advantages of wealth and give the uncared-for offspring of indolent thickos a free hit at everything. The jury may be out on whether this will create a dynamic and efficient economy, but my goodness it makes us feel good.

"The long-term aim is to give the poor and disadvantaged a real shot in the arm by forcing people in social groups AB and C1 to simply swap houses with them. How marvellous to hear northern vowels in Wokingham; how wonderful to trigger a cultural renaissance in Scunthorpe. Private medicine next."
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